My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
