In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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