I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
