My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I skipped work to stalk him.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
