so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
