My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
God, I missed his penis.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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