your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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