I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
