Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
