At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
