Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
