nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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