what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
