So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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