I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She bit a glass in half.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
