yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
