Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
