i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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