Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
