he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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