Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
