He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
