Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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