M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
