i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
