did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
