I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
