Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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