I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I smell stomach acid.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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