i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
lets start a swedish sibling band together
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Sext me about skeletons
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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