For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
