if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
