it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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