im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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