I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
