I think im going to throw up on grandma
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
