I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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