How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
