ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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