When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
