I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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