She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
