god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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