I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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