the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
