Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
