her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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