He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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