All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Drunk is a universal language darling
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
