Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
