Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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