I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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