people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm way too hungover for life right now
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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